It is 6:00 a.m. My husband is on his way to the emergency room. He’s an ER doctor. I call him because he had slept fitfully the night prior. He’s resolute doing what’s needed to take care of patients. He also worries about exposure to the coronavirus. He is 65 and in the high-risk group.
He wants to have a talk about what happens if he gets infected. I can feel his fear in the pit of my stomach. But we both (by default) ignore the emotion and instead focus on creating the plan. What might happen if he gets infected? Shall we quarantine in the house in separate rooms? Does that even work? He talks about what’s most important to him when he or anyone in the family is sick. He wants to be close to loved ones rather than in a hospital (this is the vulnerable human talking, not the rational doctor). We are in a heated debate about this.
At some point on his drive the call drops.
I take a deep breath. It’s still dark outside. I realize that we’ve both been ignoring the elephant in the room. This is scary for each of us (as it is for all of us collectively). I sit with the fear in the pit of my stomach. Something new emerges. Compassion for him and the risk he’s walking into. Compassion for myself for this fear I’m feeling. I realize I want to call him and let him know that I love him. No plans. Acknowledge the fear. Be okay with being scared. Let him know that I love him. Tell him I’m sad for how hard it is but that we will get through it together.
So this morning, I reflect on how hard this is. Acknowledging fear, pain, sadness, and the beautiful messiness of our human emotions is hard for me. I realize connecting with emotion also connects to compassion for ourselves and others. As we connect today, let’s take the time to get present to the human being in front of us. We don’t know what they’re going through. Let them know we’re in this together. Covid-19 is giving us the gift of being reminded that we’re all in this together and we need each other. Today’s five-minute coaching exercise is to grow our capacity for empathy and compassion (for others and ourselves).
I’m reminded of a book called Love 2.0 by researcher Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. Love, as experienced by our body, actually builds our immune system. Our body experiences love through micro-moments of caring connection with each other. Her research showed that our body doesn’t know the difference between these micro-moments and the enduring love we may feel for a family member. Love strengthens the vagus nerve which connects our brain, heart, lungs, and gut and strengthens our immune system.
Today, I’m learning to connect with the person first before focusing on the plan. I’m learning to accept the messiness of life and forgive quickly.
Love. A simple human vaccine for these times. We each have it. It’s free. Right here. Right now.
Love,
Henna
P.S. Please share this with family, friends and colleagues or do this as a team. This exercise will help you grow your trusted support system. And don’t forget to comment below with your questions and challenges so we can co-create for our community.
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I’m proud of you Henna! You, the quintessential professional amazon and my friend, offered the gift of vulnerability to all of us who follow your posts. Yesterday Jennifer Brock, President of HRD, shared the same sentiment and people responded.
Your post reminded me that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said “There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from.” It’s been noted that our world has become more and more distanced as electronics take over human contact. Your comment today made me think that COVID-19 is not a mistake or coincidence. It is a ringing bell to remind us we are dependent on each other! And I love you too…
Rita – I love this “It is a ringing bell to remind us we are dependent on each other!”…I am finding myself more and more reaching out for personal connection in these times because it feels lonely. I am also craving deeper conversations with people, wanting to talk about how we really are…without the masks, wanting to talk about what’s really important for them. It’s helping me think about what really matters…
Love you my friend! And miss you.
Henna
Praying for your family and you. Hopefully we will all get through this and come on the other side stronger and more conscious. This is an opportunity for us to reflect, slow down and grow.
Take care
Aeysh
Hi Aeysha – So agree with you…”This is an opportunity for us to reflect, slow down and grow.” Stay tuned…coming up with resources for our community to do that.
Henna
Hi, Henna. I acknowledge you for allowing all the messy emotions surrounding your current life situation. Nothing to do. No planning. Nothing to fix.
Having the courage to generate compassion for ourselves and others at this time will go a long way toward getting us through this crisis.
All my best…David
Thank you David. So is having friends like you who we can be in our vulnerable emotions with, laugh with, and go deep with. I appreciate your friendship and support.
I am Henna’s husband.
It has been a fascinating journey thus far. Going back to work as an ER physician after a week off, the calculus of life had changed. Personal exposure to the threat of corona virus had become a very real possibility.
My own default method for dealing with fear is to incessantly gather all the data and information. To continually recalculate the odds. To grasp for safety and control by figuring it all out in my head.
After a few sleepless nights, I began to hear my heart. The ever-present possibility of dying, usually mostly hidden from consciousness, penetrated my immediate awareness. So what IS important in times like these? Minimizing risk to lessen the chance of abandoning or infecting my family? Continuing to offer my skills to the greater community during crisis?
My heart’s answer has been to continue to work in the ER while exercising as much caution as possible. While knowing that there is a real risk that I and/or my family will contract the corona virus. And a lesser risk of becoming gravely ill. Lesser, but still greater than during other, more routine, times in life.
Also, for me, if illness were to come, there is a yearning to stay emotionally present and physically connected with my loved ones. In spite of the risks.
The current situation in my ER? I am fortunate to be working in a relatively rural hospital with very few known cases of the virus to date. And no illness among the staff – yet. So we use protective equipment and seem to largely assume that we are protected because we are not ‘the patients’. All the while waiting for the other shoe to drop. As the awareness of fear comes and goes.
And the current situation at home? Spending more quality time with my wife and daughter. With gratitude for the sharing of feelings and a deeper look at life.
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling with vulnerability. This is one of the many gifts of our relationship. I learn from you how to connect with feelings. We create a space to practice sharing what we feel…the good, the bad and the ugly. We will get through this together.
Henna