Saying “No” with Power and Grace

In a 24/7 work culture where we are often juggling work and family priorities it’s really important that we say “No”. Yet, many of us have a hard time doing it. I have a confession to make. I am not exactly an expert in saying “No”.  I spent the entire day yesterday running from one meeting to another.  It was Sunday.  As I looked at my priority list, one of the areas that I was disappointed by last year is that I didn’t make more progress on the book I’m writing. So, I decided I needed to practice saying “No” to make room for the important “Yes’s” in my life.

Here’s the personal challenge: I was taught early on that it’s impolite to say “No”.  A lot of my executive coaching clients have a hard time saying “No” too, yet it’s a critical skill we need to succeed and keep our sanity.  Saying “No” is hard because it’s inconsistent with the beliefs we have about ourselves, and the expectations others have of us (we’re supposed to be collaborative, empathetic, care-taking).  I often catch myself resenting a woman establishing boundaries when I would never think twice about a man doing it.  So how do we as women leaders establish boundaries with both power and grace?

What prevents us from saying “No” is often our own beliefs.  To be powerful in saying “No” we need to align our beliefs with our goals.  Here are possible belief systems that prevent us from saying “No” and ways we can reframe these beliefs:

To Say “No” with Power Shift Our Own Beliefs

The below is a sample of beliefs we have that prevent us from saying “No”. Which of these apply to you?

1)  If I say “No” the other person will think I am lazy or incompetent.  If we find ourselves in situations where we’re constantly trying to prove how good we are, here’s a mindset shift:  What if I can position my “No” as a way of demonstrating that I am being strategic by prioritizing what is most important? What if I can position it as a way to focus on “quality” rather than quantity? What if I can position my “No” as a way of showing how I keep my promises to those I have already committed to?

2) If I say “No” I will hurt the other person’s feelings and it will undermine the relationship.  If we have high needs for affiliation and connection with others, here’s a mindset shift: What if my connection with the other person would be undermined if my “Yes” builds resentment inside of me? What if I’m not able to deliver in a quality fashion? I would disappoint them and undermine the relationship.

3) I don’t say “no” to work because it’s what gives me self-worth.  If we are driven by achievement, it’s very easy for us to keep taking on more because “being productive” and “checking off the to-do list” is the area where we feel most competent and worthy.  Here’s a mindset shift:  What if we were able to achieve our goals better by focusing on fewer things?  What if we set achievement goals in other aspects of our lives? What if over-focus on our work made us less productive and creative?

4) I don’t say “no” because I get my self-worth from being helpful to others.  If our sense of identity is based on “giving” or taking care of others’ needs first we typically have a hard time saying “No”. Here’s the mindset shift: If I don’t say no to some people, I will not be able to serve those who are most important to me.

Each of us has our own beliefs that prevent us from powerfully saying “No”. What is your belief about this? What are shifts you can make?

To Say No with Grace, Help the Person feel Valued

Once we create new possibilities for beliefs, we can now look for graceful ways to say “No”.  The way we deliver our message is as important as the message itself.  Our goal is to deliver our message in a way that is full of warmth, empathy, and appreciation for the other person because, everything else being equal, we’d rather be nice than not.

 1) Set expectations upfront.  We can set expectations up front about our other priorities and that helps us set boundaries.  We can talk about all the other priorities we are passionate about.

2) Acknowledge needs even if we are not the one to fulfill them.  Practice active listening. This can go something like this “I can hear how important this project is to you.  It’s just really important to me to fulfill the commitments I have already made”.

3) Make sure that you express your own emotion toward the person.  If you are sincere about this person, you can say “I really admire your commitment to making this happen”.  Your choice to say “No” is not indicative of their value to you as a person.

4) Give them appropriate reasons.  If there are specific competing priorities, you can share these with the other person, but make sure you reassure them emotionally first.

Understand that being able to say “No” is a leadership practice.  It’s like when we first learned how to ride a bike, we were a bit sloppy at it. So, give yourself permission to fail, learn, and keep practicing.  To continue to grow in our confidence, it helps to journal about our successes.

If this resonated for you, please comment, share and subscribe to my blog.

Additional Resources:

Tool on Saying No from Forbes.

Workshop on Personal Power & Presence

Leadership Practices for Work Life Sanity

This article was written by Henna Inam, C-level executive coach, global speaker, and author of the book Wired for Disruption. She helps leaders grow their agility to be a force for good and thrive in times of change. They create organizations that drive breakthroughs in innovation, growth, and engagement. In roles including Head E-Innovation and Chief Innovation and Marketing Officer, Henna drove transformation throughout her 20-year corporate career as an executive with Fortune 500 companies. Join the thousands who follow her blog here. Connect on Linkedin.